ellen bell

I fell, in the street, bruising knees and amour propre. I wanted to cry. I still have dents in my knees from falling as an eleven year old. I remember the day, the place, the gravel path. It was my first term at boarding school. A little girl crying over more than just bleeding knees.

A beautiful day. The sky rippled with ribbons of nursery pink and blue. I wake earlier and earlier. New faces out running. A large young man in black sweatsuit and cumbersome headphones, rolling towards a jog, made cross and puce-faced by the exertion. A short, little-body-of-a-woman, in waterproofs, elbowing her way forward, determined in a navy blue bobble hat. Too early for the man with the poodle. A bevy of oystercatchers letting out squeaks like trodden on plastic bathroom toys.

Radio 4 on the transistor in the bathroom. Prayer for the day. 'Force that pause'. A blinded policeman finally giving in, giving up. The Syrian army planning more reprisals. More bloodshed. 'Force that pause'. Stop. Stop. Enough. Enough.

I read Alessandro Baricco's 'Without Blood' in one sitting last night. A small book. Terse. Spare. Pared-down. Sharp. Harrowing. Beautiful. A murdered father. A daughter hiding from his killers in the cellar. Curled up like an animal in its lair. Fifty years on she seeks out his assassin. He had seen her, he had spared her. He expects death. Revenge. Retribution. He has waited fifty years for her to find him. The book closes with her curled up, once more, asleep against his naked back. Completed. Safe. At rest. Finally.

The intimacy of a shared knowing of horror. A completion. The closing of a circle.

I work to complete myself. It is a tall order. I may fail.

The policeman and his wife had split up. There had been rumours of violence. They played a recording of an interview with him. An embittered voice, caught with fear and frustration. Tears, up close, just behind the eyes. In the darkness. I am sorry. I am sorry that there was no comforting him. Incomplete. Alone.

I see her face. Those china blue eyes. Alight with light. At ease. Easy. Smile. It will be alright. It will be alright.

It is alright.

(Image borrowed from: www.manandwomaninparis.blogspot.com )